Tuesday, May 26, 2009
F.0.E.
I leave to LAX on Wednesday, May 27th and come back on June 1st. I am really excited to go back to SoCal like you don't even know. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family and super juiced mayuuun! I'm leaving here on a bad note, but hey if everyone wants to team up against me than so be it. It's not like I ever cared. My sister wanna feed some bullshit to my mom, and it's just hella funny how everyone can talk soooo much shit about my folks, but once I say Ima bring them to the house so we can all get this situated it's a no-go. Mayuuuun it's what ever to me. And as much as I want people to stay out of our business, you gonn do some stupid ass shit and broadcast the shit all over myspace like wtf?! For reals? It ain't no lie when they said MySpace is drama because it sho in the fuck is. I just want my dad. I think that's all the solution to these problems. My dad is the number one person I know for a fact that understands me unlike others. And I know for a fact he would not take sides. He would tell me straight up what I need to fix in life. A man who doesn't judge not one person in this world who gave his heart to make sure the next person was happy and satisfied. As much as he had something against someone he would drop it the next day, not even like the next 5 minutes. He was one who never asked for shit in life and gave his all to all his friends and family. When he was in desperate need to make sure his family was okay financially he would turn to his friend and ask for their help and in return my dad would pay them back. And with everything my dad has done for his friends and family he treated them no different from anyone else and he reminds me so much of MYSELF. I think that's why I am the way I am right now. I just need my dad back. My best friend, my heart. I go out never come home only because there is no one to come home to, sleep in because there is no one to wake up to. If my dad was home it would of been a different story! I would be more happier and excited if he was here with me. But he's not so people gonn have to deal with me. Take it or leave it. No one knows me not even my mom, none of my siblings they think they know me but for reals they don't. With my dad it's different because he UNDERSTANDS with no questions asked, he told me himself what's understood does not have to be explained. Man I just feel like my heart is missing it's piece and it's him. Right about now I'm thinking about moving to Samoa to be with him. It's just bullshit out here. I'm not mad or anythang I'm just hurt. Just hurt to know that the closest ones to me felt a certain way for soooo long and it had to take alcohol to bring it out. F.0.E. has always been my shit I brang that shit into the game for as long as I can remember and all of a sudden people wanna rep my shit like they was beeeeeen on it and wanna flip the script on me. Like for reals I just really want my dad home. Like there is nothing for me if I keep living here, I either wanna go back to LA or with my dad. I'm happier either way but for some reason when I finally come to do something for myself ain't no one trynna have it. Mayuuuun whatevs! Deuce Dozuhs!
Misunderstood
Thursday leading into Friday mornting became one of the worst shit I have ever been through. It started off koogie. A small birthday party for one of my good friends Pele and ended on a bad note. Sucks to know that your family felt a certain way about your closests friends for a minute and it had to take a couple of liquor to let it all come out. This is exactly why I don't like drinking with my family. It's koogie to drink with them but when the shit come to talking and the fists go to walking than I'm koo off that. I understand what everyone goes through, but it seems they don't understand where I come from. I'm not like everyone else on my mom's side of the family. I'm not this hard, intimidating person. I am actually me. Everytime my drama is brought up to my sister she is so quick to jump and have me fight it out with the person, when actually I just tell her just to tell her. I don't need no one to ride by me I really don't. Everyone expects me to be on the same level as them. If they don't like someone they expect me not to like them either, but wtf? Hell nah!
Obviously my family thinks I put my friends before my family, and that they are using me and for reals I'm just now realizing what in the fuck they gotta use me for? If anythang I ain't got friends because I consider them as family. And as much as my friends been there for me they have done the same for my family. My soulsistah Ehm let my sister borrow her car to take her kids to TI, and in return my sis spot her $40 also she let me take her car to go pick up my brother in-law's supplies, let my other sister use her car to practice on for her driving test, and when my mom couldn't take me places who is the number one person she thinks of? "Can you call Melissa and ask if she can come get you and take you?" And what the fuck? I feel guilty having to call her and ask for rides even if she is my sistah too.
With Pele we had our downfall and for that night no one understands that I was the one setting up the 3 days and I told her it was okay for her to invite people because the only thang going through my head was, it aint never hot at my house and we done it before here, with my mom in the house. So wtf? I just felt that whole night was just a misunderstanding for reals. And with me defending my friend, I already knew my sister felt hella mad because she felt I was taking my friends side over her and it was never because of that it was the lack of respect that was given within the whole situation. And if my family really knew me, they would know that I don't give uh dayuuum bout anythang just as long as you got RESPECT. And for my sister to disrespect my folks like that, especially when she ain't did not a dayum thang to her and always respected my sister of course I'm gonn defend my folks because like I said you could of came at her grown and talked it out maturely instead of poppin out the mouth. And my sister would do the same shit if I ever came at her close friends hella foul.
My family just goes off what they see and hear, but they don't know how our relationship functions. When I left AND got kicked out the house they both offered their house for me to stay at. They did me like family. This is why I stick with them, because for someone to have my back like that, to step to the point where they would actually let me live with them, how can I let them go. They offer me more shit than I can ever offer them. When my family don't understand what I go through they drop THEIR family just to pick me up or meet me half way. So what? They using me?? Woooooow it just amazes me sometimes how much my family just don't know what I go through. This is exactly why I cain't be around my family because it seems like they really don't understand who I am as a person and if not I can tell them one thing but it's not something they want to hear, so who else do I turn to?? Ehm and pele is who I turn to.
I'm not all for the seriousness and all that type of bullshit. I just want to do me. I ain't got much to offer to my family and friends but shit I do the most for them. I go out my way to please the next person because I feel their happiness makes me happy, but as soon as I finally come to do something for MYSELF all hell breaks loose. I'm just trynna live the life I never got to the live and thats MY OWN. I was forever on locked down my whole school life and like it had to take for me to leave the house to make my parents realize that it's time to let me loose. I already know that I be doing the exxxtrrreeeeme like not coming home till 2 days later or staying out till like the next mornting and I shouldn't be but it's NOT my fault, it's my choice. I choose to do the things I do. Sometimes I tell my folks that I don't wanna go home at all and they tell me "rickah you need to go home your mom needs you." but do I listen?? No I don't. I really don't have any care in the world anymore for what anyone has for or against me, and I think about what my RnD said this one day, "Sis you need to start caring. Since day one you never cared." And it's true when I start caring maybe than I'll make that change. But see people don't change they just become more of who they really are.
Obviously my family thinks I put my friends before my family, and that they are using me and for reals I'm just now realizing what in the fuck they gotta use me for? If anythang I ain't got friends because I consider them as family. And as much as my friends been there for me they have done the same for my family. My soulsistah Ehm let my sister borrow her car to take her kids to TI, and in return my sis spot her $40 also she let me take her car to go pick up my brother in-law's supplies, let my other sister use her car to practice on for her driving test, and when my mom couldn't take me places who is the number one person she thinks of? "Can you call Melissa and ask if she can come get you and take you?" And what the fuck? I feel guilty having to call her and ask for rides even if she is my sistah too.
With Pele we had our downfall and for that night no one understands that I was the one setting up the 3 days and I told her it was okay for her to invite people because the only thang going through my head was, it aint never hot at my house and we done it before here, with my mom in the house. So wtf? I just felt that whole night was just a misunderstanding for reals. And with me defending my friend, I already knew my sister felt hella mad because she felt I was taking my friends side over her and it was never because of that it was the lack of respect that was given within the whole situation. And if my family really knew me, they would know that I don't give uh dayuuum bout anythang just as long as you got RESPECT. And for my sister to disrespect my folks like that, especially when she ain't did not a dayum thang to her and always respected my sister of course I'm gonn defend my folks because like I said you could of came at her grown and talked it out maturely instead of poppin out the mouth. And my sister would do the same shit if I ever came at her close friends hella foul.
My family just goes off what they see and hear, but they don't know how our relationship functions. When I left AND got kicked out the house they both offered their house for me to stay at. They did me like family. This is why I stick with them, because for someone to have my back like that, to step to the point where they would actually let me live with them, how can I let them go. They offer me more shit than I can ever offer them. When my family don't understand what I go through they drop THEIR family just to pick me up or meet me half way. So what? They using me?? Woooooow it just amazes me sometimes how much my family just don't know what I go through. This is exactly why I cain't be around my family because it seems like they really don't understand who I am as a person and if not I can tell them one thing but it's not something they want to hear, so who else do I turn to?? Ehm and pele is who I turn to.
I'm not all for the seriousness and all that type of bullshit. I just want to do me. I ain't got much to offer to my family and friends but shit I do the most for them. I go out my way to please the next person because I feel their happiness makes me happy, but as soon as I finally come to do something for MYSELF all hell breaks loose. I'm just trynna live the life I never got to the live and thats MY OWN. I was forever on locked down my whole school life and like it had to take for me to leave the house to make my parents realize that it's time to let me loose. I already know that I be doing the exxxtrrreeeeme like not coming home till 2 days later or staying out till like the next mornting and I shouldn't be but it's NOT my fault, it's my choice. I choose to do the things I do. Sometimes I tell my folks that I don't wanna go home at all and they tell me "rickah you need to go home your mom needs you." but do I listen?? No I don't. I really don't have any care in the world anymore for what anyone has for or against me, and I think about what my RnD said this one day, "Sis you need to start caring. Since day one you never cared." And it's true when I start caring maybe than I'll make that change. But see people don't change they just become more of who they really are.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Family Affair
Just about two months ago my family and I went through a very tough time. The eldest daughter, my sister, has been going through hell and back these past couple of months and just yesterday we all came together, close and distant relatives to support my sister at her every needs. I was suppose to go to workshop with my good friend, my Ace, Melissa but I couldn't make it. Family support means alot to the family so I had to be with my sister every step of the way. We fought for what we truely believed in and we got what we wanted. I am very blessed and happy to have such a wonderful, blessed, supportive, disfunctional family. My dad has always been the foundation to our family and with his wise words from across the world even helps. My family has been through it's worst and goods but this event that just passed has shown how much we've grown as a family let alone how much we still ride and die for one another. F.O.E. even after death.
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