Misunderstood

Thursday leading into Friday mornting became one of the worst shit I have ever been through. It started off koogie. A small birthday party for one of my good friends Pele and ended on a bad note. Sucks to know that your family felt a certain way about your closests friends for a minute and it had to take a couple of liquor to let it all come out. This is exactly why I don't like drinking with my family. It's koogie to drink with them but when the shit come to talking and the fists go to walking than I'm koo off that. I understand what everyone goes through, but it seems they don't understand where I come from. I'm not like everyone else on my mom's side of the family. I'm not this hard, intimidating person. I am actually me. Everytime my drama is brought up to my sister she is so quick to jump and have me fight it out with the person, when actually I just tell her just to tell her. I don't need no one to ride by me I really don't. Everyone expects me to be on the same level as them. If they don't like someone they expect me not to like them either, but wtf? Hell nah!

Obviously my family thinks I put my friends before my family, and that they are using me and for reals I'm just now realizing what in the fuck they gotta use me for? If anythang I ain't got friends because I consider them as family. And as much as my friends been there for me they have done the same for my family. My soulsistah Ehm let my sister borrow her car to take her kids to TI, and in return my sis spot her $40 also she let me take her car to go pick up my brother in-law's supplies, let my other sister use her car to practice on for her driving test, and when my mom couldn't take me places who is the number one person she thinks of? "Can you call Melissa and ask if she can come get you and take you?" And what the fuck? I feel guilty having to call her and ask for rides even if she is my sistah too.

With Pele we had our downfall and for that night no one understands that I was the one setting up the 3 days and I told her it was okay for her to invite people because the only thang going through my head was, it aint never hot at my house and we done it before here, with my mom in the house. So wtf? I just felt that whole night was just a misunderstanding for reals. And with me defending my friend, I already knew my sister felt hella mad because she felt I was taking my friends side over her and it was never because of that it was the lack of respect that was given within the whole situation. And if my family really knew me, they would know that I don't give uh dayuuum bout anythang just as long as you got RESPECT. And for my sister to disrespect my folks like that, especially when she ain't did not a dayum thang to her and always respected my sister of course I'm gonn defend my folks because like I said you could of came at her grown and talked it out maturely instead of poppin out the mouth. And my sister would do the same shit if I ever came at her close friends hella foul.

My family just goes off what they see and hear, but they don't know how our relationship functions. When I left AND got kicked out the house they both offered their house for me to stay at. They did me like family. This is why I stick with them, because for someone to have my back like that, to step to the point where they would actually let me live with them, how can I let them go. They offer me more shit than I can ever offer them. When my family don't understand what I go through they drop THEIR family just to pick me up or meet me half way. So what? They using me?? Woooooow it just amazes me sometimes how much my family just don't know what I go through. This is exactly why I cain't be around my family because it seems like they really don't understand who I am as a person and if not I can tell them one thing but it's not something they want to hear, so who else do I turn to?? Ehm and pele is who I turn to.

I'm not all for the seriousness and all that type of bullshit. I just want to do me. I ain't got much to offer to my family and friends but shit I do the most for them. I go out my way to please the next person because I feel their happiness makes me happy, but as soon as I finally come to do something for MYSELF all hell breaks loose. I'm just trynna live the life I never got to the live and thats MY OWN. I was forever on locked down my whole school life and like it had to take for me to leave the house to make my parents realize that it's time to let me loose. I already know that I be doing the exxxtrrreeeeme like not coming home till 2 days later or staying out till like the next mornting and I shouldn't be but it's NOT my fault, it's my choice. I choose to do the things I do. Sometimes I tell my folks that I don't wanna go home at all and they tell me "rickah you need to go home your mom needs you." but do I listen?? No I don't. I really don't have any care in the world anymore for what anyone has for or against me, and I think about what my RnD said this one day, "Sis you need to start caring. Since day one you never cared." And it's true when I start caring maybe than I'll make that change. But see people don't change they just become more of who they really are.